How to Have Difficult Conversations

At times, we all find ourselves in a position where we feel upset by something a friend has said or done, a family member may have very different views to us, we might feel misunderstood, or realise that a relationship needs to end. It’s natural to want to avoid these conversations because they are difficult, and they bring up uncomfortable feelings for us and the people we care about. Young people in particular often feel nervous and stressed at the thought of bringing things up in conversation.

The thing is, avoiding the problem usually doesn’t help, and it can lead to feelings of resentment toward the other person. By tackling difficult issues right away, it can help the other person understand your point of view and can improve your relationships.

There are some things that you can do to make sure that the conversation goes as smoothly as possible, and you can encourage young people to do the same:

1. Active listening
   Try to really listen to what the other person is saying, and to understand their point of view. You can ask them questions such as ‘tell me more about that’ or ‘how does that make you feel?’. Try not to start thinking of your response while the other person is talking, so that you can make sure to take in what they are saying.
   
   
2. Be clear about how you feel and what you want
   Take some time before the conversation to plan what you want to say and what you want out of the conversation – an apology? Different behaviour in the future?
   State your feelings clearly, and use ‘I’ statements – this means avoiding saying things like ‘you always/never ___’. Instead, try to use statements like ‘I feel upset when__’ or ‘I want___’.
   
   
3. Put yourself in their shoes
   It can be easy to get caught up in how you feel, especially if you’ve been hurt or are feeling awkward about something. Before you jump to any conclusions, though, try to put yourself in the other person’s shoes and to see the situation from their perspective.
   
   
4. It’s okay to take a break
   If emotions are running high and the conversation isn’t going well, it’s okay to press pause and try again another time. Remember that you can only control your responses, and the other person might not be ready to have a constructive conversation with you.
   
   
5. Agree to disagree
   Not all conversations like this are going to have a happy ending. There will be some people, situations, or behaviours that you just can’t talk through – and that’s okay. Agreeing to disagree doesn’t mean you agree with their perspective, you’re just protecting yourself by choosing which battles to fight.
   
   
6. Look after yourself
   Having difficult conversations can bring up some feelings that are hard to sit with. It’s important that you take care of yourself as a priority. You don’t need to stay in a conversation that isn’t going well or if you are feeling too overwhelmed. Make sure you do some nice things for yourself before and after the conversation and reach out for support if you need it.

More information:

• https://au.reachout.com/ have some great resources for navigating relationships of all kinds and taking care of your wellbeing.
• Refer to the Trinity Wellbeing Talk from Term 3, Week 6 for more detail on conflict specific resolution